Belle and Adam
by Bassoonish Eicher
Summary: A spoof of Beauty and the Beast. Belle is a ditz. Belle's father works in a not-so-reputable career. Gaston is eight, and Belle is eighteen. The Beast is a woman. Interested? I certainly was when my friend asked me to write this.


You know the story of Beauty and the Beast, but do you know what really happened? Of course you don't because you saw the edited version. We are here to bring you the unrated, uncut, never shown in theaters version. Brace yourself for the untold story of Beauty and the Beast.

In a land far away, there was a teenage girl, named Belle. She was your average, ditzy teenage girl, gullible and easily confused. As always we find her confused yet once again, as she had just overheard eight-year-old Gaston say her father is a pimp and doesn't know what that is.

"What's a pimp? Is it like a pimple? Because I don't like pimples but I like my dad. I'm confused, is this bad?" Belle states to the open air, once occupied by Gaston.

Unfortunately, she is ignored, and no one notices her. She is too much of a ditz in their opinions. Gaston really doesn't care, and walks up to her anyway.

"Hey! There's Gaston!" Belle shouts as she notices Gaston walking towards her.

"Hey baby, what's up?" Gaston asks, trying to sound cool as he walks up to Belle.

"The sky, Duh!"

"So what do you say we go into that group of trees and play doctor?"

"Don't only little kids play doctor? Hey, aren't you like eight?"

"Age doesn't matter, my love! I thought we had something special!"  
"You're like eight, I'm like eighteen. I don't think that's special."

"Come on, cupcake, please?"  
"No! Get away from me you perv'!"

Guys were always coming after Belle. It may have been because her name meant "beauty" or because she was pretty. One day, Belle finds out that her father has to walk through the forest to a village not far away to find some new "employees".

"Daddy? Is one of your employees going to be a nice guy for me?"

"Well, Belle, my employees are all girls so no."

"Dad! You are so mean."

"I'm not mean, it's just this line of work is for, well, girls."

"Whatever, Meany!"

With that, Belle walked away, and continued living her life, as normal, while her father trekked through the woods to the next village over. A few years later, Belle realizes that her dad ditched her, and decided to go after him at the worst possible time, night.

"Man, it's dark out here. I hope I don't run into a pack of wolves," Belle states to the silent forest, as she hears a howl, "shoot, this sucks."

Belle began to run, thinking the wolves wouldn't follow her if she ran. Her theory wasn't correct, however, and she climbed a tree to avoid the wolves, and the wolves surrounded her tree.

"No! Bad puppy! Down! Help somebody!"  
Belle's problem was quickly solved, though, by the odd appearance of a lady carrying an odd and lumpy package.

"Hey, person who I don't know if you are good or bad, will you help me?" Shouted Belle from her position in the tree.

"Why darling, of course I can help you. I was just conveniently walking around with this deer carcass in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. It must have been fate that we met," said the Lady who had mysteriously appeared.

"Ok! Are you going to save me now?" Belle hollered over the din of the wolves' howling.

Just like any other fairytale, neither of the two found it odd that the lady happened to show up so conveniently with a deer carcass in the middle of the night, just like neither found it odd that the lady owned a large castle in the middle of an isolated forest, and was taking Belle to it.

"Uh… Where are we going?" Belle asked wonderingly as they walked through the forest.

"To my castle, of course," stated the Lady as though it was the most obvious thing on the planet.

"But I don't know your name. Daddy told me never to go into anybody's castle when I don't know their name."

"I'm Adam."

"Ok, now we aren't strangers anymore."

Naturally, Belle did not take into consideration that Adam is not a girl's name, which never struck her as odd, because she was just that dumb. And so, they walked to Adam's castle. It was an ugly old castle that looked like nobody had cared for it in years.

"Your castle looks like a dump," Belle said in wonder as a looming castle appeared in the distance.

"Yes, there used to be a handsome, rich prince that lived here. But then one day something happened to him. Now that castle is mine. Go find a room, I will let you stay for the night and then you must be on your way. You can stay in any room except for the West wing. The west wing is forbidden and you must never go there."

So Belle found a room and stayed the night there, thinking she was in no danger whatsoever. The next morning, when she didn't come down to breakfast, Adam got angry, and began talking to a candle stick, and the candle stick answered.

"Lumiere, what is her problem? Are all teenage girls like this?" Adam asked Lumiere after Belle had not come down for breakfast.

"Master, you must realize that you too are a teenage girl. This girl might be the one to break the spell. Be kind to her so that she doesn't run away like all the rest." Lumiere replied, trying to be frank and respectful at the same time.

"Hey I can't help it if all of the girls in this area are homophobic. Why did he have to do it?"

"I don't know master, he is a very messed up man, sir."

"You are no help, Lumiere."

Little did Belle know that Adam was not a woman but a man who had been turned into a woman by a man named Mikajobo. He had kidnapped young Adam and told him that he would be a girl for the rest of his life, unless he could find a girl who loved him by time that all the water in a dish had evaporated. Adam kept this dish in the west wing and there was not much water left. He had to make Belle fall in love with him if he ever wanted to be a man again.

"Belle, love me!" Adam shouted when Belle appeared for breakfast.

"Yuck, you are a girl," Belle said, surprised at Adam's demand.

"So? That has nothing to do with it," Adam argued, knowing Belle would eventually give in.

"Yes it does! That's just wrong," Belle stated, disgusted at Adam's antics.

"No, it's not. It's love," Adam continued the argument, knowing he had lost for that day. The next day, Adam tried again.

"Do you love me now?" Adam questioned at breakfast the next morning.

"Are you still a girl?" Belle retorted.

"No, I mean yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" Adam argued, knowing that even if he explained things to her, she still wouldn't understand.

"Everything. I would leave this place if I could find my way home but, well, I can't."

Despite Adam's many attempts to have Belle fall in love with her, the plan was failing. Then after talking to Lumiere, the two came up with an idea for the prefect thing for Adam to do to win Belle's love. Adam would perform a song for her.

"Pretty woman, walking down the street. Pretty woman-" Adam sang, before being rudely interrupted by Belle's exclamation.  
"Wait! Wait! You think I'm Pretty? I've only ever had guys call me a ditz, never pretty. Ok Adam, I love you now," Belle exclaimed, interrupting Adam's song.

Unfortunately, Belle and her lover did not know that back in Belle's village, Gaston had found out that Belle had given her heart to someone else. He was so furious that he decided to crash their wedding.

"You may now kiss the bride," Stated the priest at the end of the wedding ceremony.

"Stop in the name of love, before you break my heart," Gaston sang as he burst through the doors of the chapel.

"I never liked you, so like leave," Belle stated to the munchkin attached to her leg, trying to get him to let go.

"But… But, I love you, you're a ditz." Gaston pleaded with Belle, trying to get her to reconsider and marry him.

"Ooh! I hate when guys say that," Belle exclaimed as she slapped Gaston, causing Gaston to magically disappear, "Ok, Adam, where were we?"

Belle and Roby kissed, and then Adam lost consciousness, falling to the ground.

"Adam! Adam! Are you ok?" Belle exclaimed, worrying for her love, as her love regained consciousness and heard her exclaim.

"Of course not woman! I'm on the ground. Do I look ok?" Adam shouted, angry at Belle's stupidity.

"Oh… Right," Belle mumbled stupidly, realizing that one can't fall down and still be ok. At that moment, there was a flash of magical light, and Adam was male at last.

"I'm a guy again!" Adam shouted in a very manly voice as he got up off the ground.

"You were a guy?" Belle asked, oblivious as always.

"I always was a guy, I was just turned into a girl by the evil Mikajobo. Oh Belle I wanted to tell you so much," Adam explained, hoping Belle would be stupid enough not to ask why he never told her.

"Well now we don't have to worry about people killing us because they don't believe in gay marriage," Belle stated, oblivious to the fact that Adam could have told her earlier.

"Yes my Belle, now we can live happily ever af-" Adam said happily, before he started to choke on his own saliva.

"Adam? You're choking! Are you ok?" Belle asked as she heard Adam start to choke, before Adam fell down again.

"Oh no! Adam!" Belle exclaimed as Adam stopped choking as he had died, and cried over his corpse, "Adam? Why did you die? I'm not even a gold digger!"

Belle did not live happily ever after, though she did enjoy a cushy life in Adam's castle, which belonged to her after their marriage and Adam's death, though it was lonely in the castle, especially since she didn't realize the candlestick could talk.

A/N: This was a request from a friend. The ideas belong to her, not me. Also, I don't own Beauty and the Beast. If I did, I'd be rolling in money.


End file.
